Erased/Meth/Meds/Still feelin' like shit and bein' furious

23. července 2017 v 13:12 | Sam Darko |  Ze schránky na myšlenky
Mám v hlavě úplné prázdno. To je jeden z nejzkurvenějších vedlejších účinků AP+AD. Nic mě neinspiruje = nic mě nebaví = nic nedělám.
Dohání mě to k pocitům a tendencím, které se mi hnusí. Nutí mě to se sociálně angažovat. Jestli tohle není peklo, tak už nevím.

Momentálně řeším věci, při kterých bych ocenil být při smyslech. Prášky mi to však nedovolují.
Vysadit? Toť otázka.
Odpověď? Nemohu...
Alespoň zatím ne.

Dochází mi Xanax a já panikařím. Je to jako hnusnej dojezd po opravdu nekvalitních třepkách. Nelze fungovat normálně. Né bez Xanaxu. Takhle se té závislosti nakonec stejně nevyhnu. Krásný, jak právě závislost mě dohnala k léčbě, a skončilo to u další.

Je to jako projíždějící vlak myšlenek, a vy se snažíte naskočit za jízdy. Nezastavuje, a vy nestíháte. Nejde to. Xanax je taková ruční brzda. Jsem pak schopnej chytit aspoň něco. Nebýt toho, byl bych absolutně v prdeli.

"Měl by jste začít pomalu vysazovat. We are concerned..." who gives a shit?
Abych mohl vysadit benzony, musel bych tak vysadit AP a vyměnit AD. Tahle kombinace, co mám momentálně naordinovanou, mě dohání k šílenství. Nikdy nekončící dojezd. A co pomáhá na dokřup? Klepky. Benzony.

Poslední dva měsíce byly hrozně náročný. Ups and downs... a LOT of them.

Pokaždé když přijde nějaký silnější pocit (excitement, panic, stress, nervousness, depression) - I feel like I'm on meth again. And I'm not talkin' about that euphoria and ridiculous amount of energy and happiness.... no, I'm talkin' about the cold sweat, shakin', mind going fuckin' crazy and the inability to calm the fuck down.

I stopped usin' meth 'cause I ran out of money. But I actually managed to convince myself that I'm better off. And it took me fuckin' long enough...
I ain't sayin' that I ain't missin' it. Those positive aspects will always haunt my 'sober' mind. But the thing is... with those meds I'm now on... I experience what's called a "withdrawal". That means - only the shitty feelings you get when you're on drugs (in this case - meth). It shouldn't be like that. I shouldn't feel this way. I should 'heal' and shit, right?

And I'm actually payin' for those meds.. if I just stopped poppin' pills that ain't working and just bought some meth, I might be fuckin' happier. I would be. Not always, but for a few hours... I wouldn't feel like shit.

Yesterday, I was in a train.. I felt like dyin'.
And I saw this person who was obviously high on meth. And I found myself jealous. This woman looked horrible. Bones clearly visible under her sickly gray skin. Eyes almost popping out of her skull, glaring nervously at everything and everyone around. Skinny fingers tappin' into plastic glass of her iPhone, probably just to avoid bittin' nails and scratching the livin' shit out her own exposed arms.

I knew exactly how she was feeling. She was in the most horrible state of mind, but I was still jealous as fuck. Because I knew, that few hours back, she was the happiest person walkin' on Earth.

Mám pořád plány. Pořád se držím naděje, že až doběhnu tuhle posranou trať, budu moct hodit nějaký AP do kurev. Že všechno co jsem měl se vrátí. Zase budu moct psát písničky, dopíšu ten scénář, začnu znovu malovat.

Ale zároveň si nedovolím doufat. Protože až tohle všechno budu mít za sebou, a zjistím, že se prakticky nic nezměnilo, nejspíš si to půjdu konečně hodit. Nedoufám, protože v případě selhání se nebudu zpětně proklínat.

Life just is... and even when it sucks, you just keep on livin' it.
 

Buď první, kdo ohodnotí tento článek.

Komentáře

1 Yuki Yuki | 23. července 2017 v 19:27 | Reagovat

I have never been on any kind of pills in my life even though I probably should have. But doctors didn't help me likw at all so I stopped visiting them so I never got any prescriptions for meds. I wasn't a fan of an alcohol either and drugs were like a no go for me. But then I've met this person that smokes weed so I tried it once and I must say that it kind of helps me to feel better when I feel like killing myself again. But when it doesn't work and I'm still depressed while being high it's the most terrible feeling. One time I even tried ecstasy because I was so desperate to feel normal again. And I did. But the risk of killing myself while being on ecstasy and still feeling like shit is too high for me to try it again. I've never used meth and I'm too scared to do so. So anyways what I wanted to say was - try weed if you haven't already. Sometimes when it's good it helps.

By the way, would you recommend meds to someone who's dealing with manic depression, ptsd, paranoia, social anxiety and suicidal tendencies?

2 Love.Gaara Love.Gaara | 24. července 2017 v 12:27 | Reagovat

[1]: I smoked weed since I was twelve. But I always managed to get "too high" and ended up bein' more psychotic and stressed.

I had close relationship with drugs. It started with meds when I was too young to even remember. Doctors pokin' around in my brain..tryin' to fix me.

Meth became my fuckin' mana when I had to go to work, or deal with "friends".
It gave me the energy and pseudo-happiness I needed so much. Although, I do NOT recommend it. I may have needed it, but that was partly because I was born and raised as an addict. Thanks to my father.. and psychiatrists.

You probably should try some medication. Or therapy. Therapy is sometimes more important then chemical treatment.

Try to find a therapist. Talk to them. Tell them about your problems. They won't tell anyone. If sharin' is something that scares you, just pretend you're not in the room with them, and that you're simply talkin' to yourself. This actually helped me to 'open up' a lil'.

If they send you to psychiatrist, then go to psychiatrist. Try to avoid strong medication like antipsychotics. They're hard to get rid off, once you decide to.

But I think that the only thing you need is just to have someone to talk to. You may not need any medication.

I am lost case... My brain is not used to function without any 'outside' chemical influence.

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