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30. července 2017 v 9:49 | Sam Darko |  Dreams
This is just a dream I had. That's why the title sounds so stupid.
Trochu jako Mechanická medůza (co mám doprdele furt s tím mořem?)

I was depressed. I hit the rock bottom and didn't know what to do anymore. In my own apartment, sittin' on my bed, I was crying. I called my mom, and told her 'I'm going to die'. I didn't tell her how. But I had a plan. Fucking mess of a plan, but plan nonetheless.

Grabbin' my black leather jacket, and my Beretta M9, I walked out on the street. It was a chilly night. Dark sky clear, so you could see the stars perfectly and the moon shinin' upon blank face I put on. 'I need to do this', I remember telling myself. Smoking the whole way to the store I picked up for this 'action'.

'This has always been the plan....', I realized, and had to chuckle. 'This is how it was always suppose to happen.'.

I walked into the store. It was this "24/7 buy useless shit" kind of store. Behind the counter stood a woman. Her smile obviously tired and forced. She was lil' overweight. Brown hair tightly pulled into a thin ponytail. Bangs fallin' into her brown eyes. Blue west she was wearing hugged her slightly fat body. I didn't look at her fingers. Worried I might find a wedding ring. Even though I probably wouldn't care anyway. I had to do this. It was the only way. Only way out.

I acted casually. I walked to the counter, and she asked me what is it that I need. I thought for a second to just get it over with, but for some reason,I felt obligated to give her a few more seconds. And 'hope'. Hope, that this night won't be any different than any other night she was forced to stand there and act like she didn't hate her job.

So I looked to the right, and found a shelf with chewing gums. I grabbed the first thing I could get my fingers on. It happened to be a pack of nicotine gums. How ironic, because I actually thought about buyin' cigarettes as the next thing. Well, it didn't matter anyway.

I paid for that useles item and turned around. She probably thought I was about to just walk away. But that wasn't my plan now, was it? No. I turned my back on her just to pull the gun out of the inside pocket of my jacket, so she wouldn't see. Then, I turned to face her again.

In the second she saw the barrel of my gun, her fake smile fell. She didn't even pressed the button that's under every counter in every fucking shop. She didn't alert the cops. Probably too shocked to do just that, she instead put her hands up, above her head, and took a step back.

Her eyes filled with such fear, it almost made me smile. Because even when I looked calm, I was scared too. But it simply had to be done.

"I'm sorry.", I said. And then I pulled the trigger. The bullet burried itself right into the center of her forehead. Her eyes rolled back into her skull, and then she just started fallin', her body disappearing behind the counter. What followed was a simple thud. That was the sound of dead meat hittin' the ground.


When I entered my apartment again, I felt nothing. No fear. No anxiety. No guilt. But neither relief. Because what I just did, was only the first step.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and saw a sad shell of a person you could once call a human being. Dark bags under my eyes caused by insomnia. The once fair skin was almost gray and wrinkled. That's what years of mental self-torture does to a person. I touched my face, but it felt numb. Like it wasn't even mine. But I wasn't surprised.

What surprised me was a knock on the door. I quickly tucked my gun under the pillow on my bed, and went to open and look who the hell is visitin' so late at night, and the night I was about to end it all no less.

I met a pair of familiar brown eyes, filled with tears. Those eyes belonged to my mother. And right behind her, my younger sister was standing, still crying.
They both came to see me. I barely remembered I called them...

They hugged me. No questions were asked. I told them I'm dyin' and they simply came to say goodbye.

They insisted on stayin' over, and I didn't try to argue. So we sat on my bed, looking out through the window, watching the night sky. That's when I noticed something. The stars were more bright then usual. Few of them started connecting and created a beautiful picture of stingray. I was captured by the mesmerizing sight of shinin' stingray swimming behind the window. I told my mother to look as well, but she told me she doesn't see anything.

I was confused at first. I didn't understand why is she telling me she doesn't see the beautiful creature. 'Why is she lying?', I asked myself. I asked my sister if she sees it, but she also shook her head. They simply didn't see it.

Once the stingray disappeared behind the frame, another one began to form. Connecting the stars with bright lines, like in a children's book.

And I realized the obvious. I was mad. My mind broke a long time ago, and I was insane. In the second I realised the truth, I stopped questioning it. I let myself to watch the beauty of my own insanity, dancing upon the night sky, and I smiled.

That was, until I heard a sound from the outside. Sirens. I asked my mother if she hears them too, and she nodded, confused. My smile got sad, and she noticed, and asked me why are there police cars outside my apartment building.

I didn't answer. I simply stood up, walked over to the window, and looked outside. There were red and blue lights, flickering around the block and few police officers were standing on the sidewalk. I knew my time has come.

When I turned around, my sister was crying again, and my mother had the look of realization painted on her face.

"It's okay. I will tell them you're mentally ill. You won't go to prison.", she sad, quickly, as if panicking.

But I shook my head. That sad smile still visible upon my tired features. I didn't want to tell her what I have done, or explain why I did it.

'I wouldn't be able to do it, mom.', I thought. 'I wouldn't be able to kill myself, if there wasn't a threat of me going into prison. I had to do it. I had to take an innocent life, before taking my own, tainted one.'.

She wouldn't understand. It only made sense in my crazed mind. I lived in insanity for a very long time. Too long to go back. Actually, I couldn't even remember if I ever was 'sane'. I couldn't tell where did it all go wrong. In my head, everyting was blurred, yet pulsing and it seemed so right.

So I told my mother and sister to go sit in the living room. They refused. My mother said she will stay, and hold my hand. She said she will be there to the end.

I pulled the gun from under the pillow, and took a seat between my mom and sister. Like she promised, my mother took a hold of my hand. She wasn't crying anymore, neither was my sister. They looked as calm as I felt.

With my free hand, I took a firm hold on my gun, and placed the barrel under my chin. I once again found myself watching the shining stingrays on the sky.

And that was the last thing I saw, before I pulled the trigger.

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