I loved myself for two years

12. srpna 2017 v 15:34 | Sam Darko |  Ze schránky na myšlenky
I simply loved myself. I loved how I looked. I was skinny, pale, lookin' fragile but I had a hell of a punch when mad as fuck.
The problem is... those two lovely years, I was on meth.



My biggest fear? It may sound a little silly, but the thing I feared the most was getting fat. I've always thought I'm fat, and hated myself for it. But then...methamphetamine got me what I wanted. And when I stopped usin', and began poppin' meds prescribed to me LEGALLY, shit hit the fan, and my body transformed into my biggest fear.... I got fat.

Meth gives you energy. It gives you this amazing pseudo-happiness. I have to keep in mind all those weeks when I wasn't even able to move, because my body was too weak to do so.

But lookin' back... I can see how happy I was. I could wear whatever the fuck I wanted and didn't feel like crying. I had the energy to work out, to paint, to put some crazy-ass make-up on a making gifs, and takin' photos of myself.

Now... I'm not even able to look in the mirror. I hate how I look. I hate the fact that I'm fat now. And I can't go back.. I can't start usin' again, because... because I didn't really like how my personality changed. I was too 'sharing'. Too talkative. Too socialy 'active', and THAT I hated.

But I was skinny. I wasn't afraid to wear tight tee's and walk around the town with my head high.

When I wanted to do something, I just did it. Without thinking twice about it. I made the most beautiful paintings, and now, looking at them hanging there on my wall, I feel like a failure. Cause I'm not able to do it anymore.

I am not happy.

I hate myself.

I feel like killing myself every.fuckin.day.

I don't cry, tho. Xanax keeps me from breaking down.

Maybe I was too far gone to go back to normal life. Maybe I never had such to begin with. Maybe... just maybe, I will never be happy again.

My phone galery is full of cat pictures and dark humor memes... but where is that smiley face of mine, when I could actually smile without faking it?

Maybe... that day when I snorted my first line was the day my life ended. The day I found something that can help me, knowing I'll have to give up on it someday.

That day came faster then I expected, and now there is me... not bein' able to move on. To forget.

I don't know how am I suppose to live like this... I really just want to die.
 

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1 Nikol Nikol | E-mail | 2. září 2017 v 20:46 | Reagovat

Tenhle blog je jako moje zrcadlo. Je to trochu děsivé, ale taky mě to docela uklidňuje.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there are people who live just like you. On the edge of life and death. Budu ráda, když se mi ozveš na e-mail, chtěla bych tě poznat.

Nikol

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